Is 8 weeks long enough?
That's 56 days or 2 months....such a short time. It was not long enough and yet it was. It was long enough to hold you inside me and love you and dream about you and your future. It was long enough to feel morning sickness and excitement. It was long enough to hire a midwife, doula, and plan out the birth. It was long enough to start telling everyone that you were soon to be part of our family. It was long enough to finally take a deep breath and feel safe that this pregnancy will stay and I won't lose another one.
It was not long enough though. I still long to hold you. I still can't erase those dreams of seeing your face, hearing you cry, and breastfeeding you. Instead I got to hold your little body that only had 8 weeks to grow and be amazed at the beauty only a mother sees.I had not planned it that way. I guess God had other plans...better plans...but it will be awhile til I can see that. Right now I hold onto the hope that this is all for my good.
So many drams shattered, but I don't want to let them go. I don't want to acknowledge that in a moment my life is changed forever. Now I deal with tons of swirling emotions and struggling to be "normal." They say that I should eat and drink, but I just want to slip under, let go , and forget. Just now feel for awhile til my heart no longer hurts. The sad truth is that I know my heart will always hurt. I just hide it where nobody can see. I never forget my babies. I have loved them forever and will always love them.
How do I go on when I don't want to leave my bed, but know I must? How cruel time seems when life just goes on around you and you want to scream "STOP! hurt too badly." I claw at time to not keep moving, but it still goes one. The clock keeps ticking. In the end I am glad that it does not freeze. I need to heal. I need to not hurt forever. I need to find a new normal. I just don't want to do it yet.
Everything is too loud or fast. I can't think. I can't filter what people are saying to me. I only think about my baby. I am grateful for the hugs that hold me togther as I feel myself falling apart. I am thankful for the hadn squeezes and the people who just sit in my puddle. I am thankful for the notes in the mail and the texts. I am thank ful for the people who just do things like sweep my floor, give me a cup of herb tea, or bring me flowers. Don't ask me what I want. I want to feel better. I want my baby back....You can't do that so I don't want anything......I feel that my body failed me again. So many negative thoughts in all these crazy emotions.
Torn between everything, I want to go out, but I don't want to see anybody. I want to bury my babies, but I want to keep them forever. I want to be normal, but I want everyone to sit in my puddle with me. I want life to go on as normal, but I want life to stop. I just want to BREATHE, but my chest is too tight. I want all this grief to leave me alone, yet I want it to last forever and never forget. I want to have peace, but I am scared to move on. I want this moment to last forever, yet I want it to be over with. I can't go on, but know I must.
The nights are so hard. It is finally quiet and my body is exhausted, but I can't sleep. The voices in my head are too loud. I am jealous of all the other people sleeping so easily. So much hurts...my eyes from crying...my head from blowing my nose, my body from birth...my heart from losing my baby...my soul with the change in plans....the darkness is real and feels like it will pull me in forever. Sometimes I have to leave the bed to sob into a towel in the bathroom. My own sounds scare me, but are necessary. I have to get this pain out. I want someone with me and yet I don't. I want the spirit of my grandmother to hug me as I work this out. I need something more than a physical person who does not understand. At least Christ knows. He felt what I am feeling. He has promised to wipe away all my tears and bind my broken heart. I cry out to Him in my mind as I sit on the toilet or lay on the floor. I remind myself that I am never alone and it comforts me.
Now what? In 2 short months I had planned out a lifetime for me and my baby. Now what? Do I try again? Do I keep up with the bathroom birth room remodel that is half done? Do I spend my baby fund on something else? How do you plan for the future when you won't have your baby? How can you feel so alone surrounded by people? Will the questions ever end? Will I find peace?
There is still one last step. I need to have courage to bury my baby. I went through labor and felt her tiny body being born in my home into loving hands. Now I just need to be strong enough to place her tiny body in the ground. It physically pains me. I know I will see her again and she will always be mine, but this moment is so hard. The pain is no less. The hope just lets me not shrivel up and die.
I am a private birther and a private burial person. I hold so many feelings inside, but there are times when you need another pair of arms to hold you. "Don't forget me." I think even though weeks down the road I will be smiling again. Remember that I have hidden private hurts upon my heart. Be gentle if I don't get real excited about your pregnancy. I am excited, but it is mixed with the memory of what I have lost. Saying "I am sorry and praying for you." is loving and sweet even weeks or months later. Don't be afraid to say something or write me a note. I really appreciate it even if I don't say much.
8 weeks is so short, but it is long enough to change you forever.....
If you need a little support with your loss or you know someone who you would like to help, please visit this page.